inconclusive....

Hello hello everyone. Sorry for the last short and freaking-out post: got to unburden your soul somewhere I suppose. Anyway to update you all: I was bopping along happily/annoyedly redoing FoCP - after finishing radiotherapy waaaaay back in August. And then I had my follow-up CT and BAM! Commence OPERATION FREAK-OUT!!

(Just to get an idea of the scale of my post-cancer hypochondria, you should know that just before my follow-up CT I convinced myself that I had a skeleton-relapsey-type lump on my left rib. This turned out to be nothing at all. In fact it was probably a mole making my rib look bumpier. V. embarrassing especially as I told my haematologist and made him feel it...only to have nothing remotely ribby show up on the CT.)

The CT did however show an enlarged lymph node in my left armpit - nothing else, just that... so I had to have a PET scan on the 21st of December. Thus I was like a cat on hot bricks throughout the FAR TOO SHORT Christmas holiday: constantly checking my phone and email, poking my armpit, jumping 5 feet in the air every time a text arrived. Texts all turned out to say "Merry Christmas", not "You have lymphoma again", thank God.

Also I had Kate and Andrew's wedding to distract me - may I take this opportunity to wish Mr and Mrs Steele the happiest of married lives? Congratulations my dears :D


In the end I gave up stressing and decided to pin all my hopes on Mother's theory, namely that any lymphadenopathy was probably due to my swine flu jab, which I'd had 4 days before the CT scan. I then tucked in with gusto to all the Christmas food, wine and chocolate. Now vastly regretting this, especially after a misguided attempt to buy some skinny jeans today. UGH, why???

Today I finally went off to see my haematologist (whom I shall henceforth call the Prof - haematologist is far too long a word), having again convinced myself I was in massive relapse with HUUUUGE lymph nodes here there and everywhere... had even worried the parents so much that Daddy-o came up from Nottingham to be with me, braving the snow and delayed trains etc etc. (What did I do to deserve these guys?) The nub and gist of the consultation was that: my PET scan was exactly the same as my CT scan - 1 large lymph node in the left armpit that was "a bit warm" i.e. glowy and taking up glucose.

Basically they just don't know what it is. Now I have 2 options: I can have an axillary biopsy now, or we can wait for a few weeks to see if it goes away. After I had explained Mother's Swine Flu Theory, the Prof perked up and said "That sounds like a reasonable theory actually; let's just wait...if it is Hodgkin's again it isn't exactly going to go wild in 4 weeks."

We also discovered that relapses, while not unheard of at this stage, are not that common 4 months after finishing treatment. Statistically it's probably more likely to be something else than the Big Bad Hodgkin's again (not that I consider that to be completely reassuring: after all, Hodgkin's itself is pretty rare and it wasn't fair that I got it in the first place. Grrr.)

Now my plan is to "enjoy" - ha - Infectious Diseases for the next fortnight and not stress out about one stupid lymph node, and also to drink a lot. Daddy, Georgina and I all went out to the incomparable Pani's Café tonight and had too much wine with the yummy food. Also father had great fun making the waiter say various Italian words to him like Ferrari, ciabatta and Salerno. Dear Pani's waiter, if you are reading this, mi dispiace molto.

....Oh yes, you want a recipe don't you? Well, I suppose I have led you to expect this after writing such a foodie cancer blog for ages... so here goes.

I got Harry Eastwood's Red Velvet and Chocolate Heartache for Christmas from wonderful brother Tim. (I also got New Moan from wonderful sister Isobel and Wolf Hall from wonderful brother Michael. There you go: all my siblings are wonderful.) Red Velvet is actually the best cookbook I've had in a long time, notwithstanding the rather twee writing style and cakes with personalities. I made this cake and was surprised by how darn tasty and rich it was - and healthy too at 216 kcal a slice! Not that calorie count normally holds me back, you understand...

Heartache Chocolate Cake
"This cake is sad. It's dark and drizzling down the window panes. She puffs her chest in hope when she goes into the oven; she then breaks, like a chest heaving a sob. This is why Aubergine (the Eeyore of the vegetable world) is the right kind of friend to hold your hand." (See what I mean about twee-ness?)

2 small whole aubergines/1 large weighing 400g
300g best dark chocolate you can find (minimum 70% cocoa solids) broken into pieces
50g good quality cocoa powder
60g ground almonds
3 medium eggs
200g clear honey
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 tbsp brandy (for moral support)

1 x 23cm diameter x 7cm cake tin
A skewer
A microwave
A blender (I used a stick blender)

Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.

Line the tin with baking parchment and lightly grease the base and sides.

Cook the aubergine: prick all over with a skewer, place in a microwaveable bowl, cover with cling film and cook on a high heat in the microwave for 8 minutes until limp.
Leave until cool enough to handle then skin, discarding any water.

Purée in the blender and then add in the chocolate. Heat a little more in the microwave if the chocolate needs help melting. Cover with clingfilm and leave while you get on with the rest.

Whisk all the other ingredients together in a large bowl until "slightly tipsy (bubbly)".

Fold in the aubergine mixture. (This mix will be thick, don't worry)

Pour it into the tin, place in the bottom of the oven and cook for 30 minutes.

Remove from the oven. let it cool in the tin and then invert it onto a rack to finish cooling.

Dust over with cocoa powder and serve with cream because you can never have enough saturated fat! Also there is no fat in the cake itself so you have to readdress the balance. It is your duty. I'm not kidding.

Please do not be put off by the aubergine: I promise you can't taste it and it makes for the most fantastically gooey cake ever. Sublime. No pictures because I'm too lazy and we ate it rather quickly...

Ta ta for now: I shall update in 4 weeks when I know more. Enjoy the snow, children!

oo-er....

Call me pessimistic, but I really don't think "Hi I have the PET result which I would like to discuss with you - G" is going to be good news.

Watch this space. And if anyone could pop round to give me a tranquilliser shot that would be nice.

follow up

Just realised I failed to actually update you on how my follow-up appointment went; with my ominous silence, you'd all have grounds for believing I'd had a horrific relapse. However it was rather uneventful, mainly because I was so hungover I couldn't speak, let alone formulate questions to ask. We established, though, that I have no lumps anywhere and am in remission - YAY - and will need a CT scan in 3 months to confirm this.
Once the hangover had abated I decided to email my consultant with a list of the unasked queries. This is the gist of his reply:
1. I can get a flu jab and Hep B booster
2. Yes I can get my ears pierced...
3. My chances of getting AML (acute myeloid leukaemia, a risk of chemotherapy. I blame the Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine for giving heebie jeebies) are thankfully pretty remote - "probably less than 2%".
4. Now that I'm in remission, my chance of relapse will get less and less as time goes on - at present it's about 20% (pause to gulp). This is the one I tell myself not to worry about - there's no point frightening yourself to death about something that may very well never happen. Also, statistics mean nothing to the individual - 20% - one in 5 - 20 in 100 - 2 in 10 - what's it all about??

And on that note I feel we should move swiftly onto FOOD, more specifically THIS:


Which was a fantastically good almond-praline cheesecake - if you couldn't tell by looking at the photo. We have Emily to thank for its (all-too-brief: it was devoured pretty rapidly, mostly by yours truly) presence on this earth. Here she is, eating the main course (hot Indonesian salad):


The most exciting thing about this cheesecake - from a gastronomic and coeliac point of view - was its base. The base came from my frantic Googling upon realising that I had no time/inclination to make gluten-free biscuits (my normal cheesecake base). Buying any was out of the question - I wouldn't feed TruFree or Freefrom digestive biscuits to my worst enemy. So Google found this cheesecake crust recipe which was a) really easy and b) so addictively almondy-buttery-sweet that Emily and I were having to stop ourselves from eating it all before it went in the oven. Sorry no full cheesecake recipe tonight (I can provide one on request but am a busy little bee right now, buzz buzz).

Also, Emily's brownies = out of this world. She puts orange chocolate in them....

I went home this weekend and had a lovely time - and Tim hasn't died of fresher's flu yet, which is reassuring. It says something about how good home is that even after an enforced 6 month stay there (with escapes for, um, chemo) I still want to go back in term time...


I love October. mmmm crispy leaves!!!!

Ta ta for now: I have a massage party to attend. Intrigued? So am I! Au revoir!

back to the grindstone

Apologies for the scandalously long absence from the blog - it turns out third-year medicine the second time round is actually rather time-consuming. Despite my panicky predictions that I'd have forgotten everything, it all seems to be coming back quite easily (with the exception of ECGs which always have been, and always will be, a bitch). Alas, my hoped-for brilliance in the area of lymphoma has been sadly lacking; we had a seminar on "Neck Lumps and Bumps" to which I went, swelling with geeky pride at the thought of people feeling my neck scar tissue (which hopefully still is scar tissue, not cancer returning to ravage me again). Once we'd got past all the usual run-of-the-mill thryoglossal cysts etc., we moved on to malignant causes and the consultant said, "What do lymph glands do? Anyone?" There was a deathly silence then I - yes, the one who'd had a lymphatic cancer - piped up, "Drain things."

Which turned out to be the wrong answer because they really trap things like pathogens and keep them there for the rest of your immune system to come and be activated by. Embarrassing. SOOOO embarrassing.

That reminds me of the time my brother asked me what Hodgkin's lymphoma was actually a cancer of - and I said, "Ummmmm well, Michael, I'll have to get back to you on that one," because I hadn't a clue. Now I know that lymphoma is a haematological neoplasm which "begins in the lymphocytes of the immune system and presents as a solid tumor of lymphoid cells. They often originate like balls in lymph nodes, presenting as an enlargement of the node (a tumor)." (Incidentally, lymphoid leukaemia begins in much the same way but doesn't form the solid lumps that lymphoma does - instead, the cancer just circulates in the blood and bone marrow.) Thank you, Wikipedia. There you go, Michael. Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Apart from swotting up to unprecedented levels of knowledge (Janet has started to freak out every time she comes in and finds me working; I don't know what's wrong with me!!) I have been chilling out at weekends - mainly with gin - and hosting the usual team of DELTA Great North Runners.


They all seemed to have fun - if one can ever truly have fun running a half-marathon - and have raised wonderful sums for DELTA (to sponsor any of them, go here). I was seized by Great North Run nostalgia and have vowed to run it for the third time next year, though I am sure the enthusiasm will wear off pretty soon. In other news, I've been surfing at Tynemouth (SO FUN!!!) and to the Alnwick Food Festival to buy the venison steak which became possibly one of the best meals I've had at uni. My guilt at eating Bambi's mummy evaporated after I'd chewed the first mouthful and realised how good it was. Yet another photo that fails to do the food justice:


And in hair news - well, it's certainly growing! The longer it gets the more tricks it tries to pull - have had some v. odd tufts and fronds and cowlicks happening, grr. See below; I had to pose for AGES to get a halfway-decent photo to show you and yet I still look like I'm contemplating a colonoscopy or something equally unpleasant. Oh well, look at the hair, the HAIR - squeeeeeeeeeee isn't it long!!?? (Still no follicular action in the irradiated bit though alas...)


Follow-up appointment is next Wednesday - not entirely sure what will be happening but I'm betting some blood tests are on the cards. This makes me as skittish as a young racehorse after what happened the last time someone tried to get blood out of my collapsed flaccid chemo-veins (4 ATTEMPTS, people) but I suppose I will have to man up. There will probably be a CT scan too but later on...will keep you posted, though I might be a wee bit busy! Updating the blog doesn't seem to fit in so well with normal daily life as it did with chemo-time - odd, that.

Now I have to go and decide what to do with my Friday evening.... the options are: collapse into bed and refuse to move for a good 14 hours; go out drinking with fellow third years to forget cardiology; hang out with fourth year friends who have exhausted themselves from mid-week partying; gym, bake, eat and sleep. Choices choices...

P.S. I was very very chuffed to be shortlisted for the Raising Awareness of Lymphoma Award and to make the final 6! Unfortunately couldn't make it to London for the award ceremony which I suppose is just as well because I didn't win. Haha, only kidding - I know it's really the taking part that counts and am very grateful to my nominators (plural!!! who'd have thought?!?) For details of the event, visit the Lymphoma Association's website.

a damson good time

If you find cancer more interesting than food, look away now. I feel a recipe post coming on...

We have lots of damson trees in the orchard which is very fortunate as they could well be my favourite fruit; especially when the weather is refusing to behave in a suitably end-of-summer way and I am in need of damson crumble. Emma and I made a yummy one yesterday after reading Nigel Slater's Kitchen Diaries and it was fantastic - ruby red bubbling damson nectar and an oaty crumble topping that slowly sank into and absorbed the juice. But today I needed pastry. (Hey, I ran 4 miles this morning - I'm ALLOWED.)

Previously I have been wary of making gluten-free pastry, instead preferring to leave it to my grandmother, who is the Pastry Queen of Yorkshire. However, after a tentative attempt in Devon I now feel up to the challenge - so damson almond tart here we go... Alas my amateurish home photos in hideous lighting really don't do it justice.

We first had this down in Devon a fortnight ago, when my mother and grandmother rustled up some pastry, filled it with frangipane mixture and topped it all with cherries. Oh my... I just don't have the words to describe what a buttery almondy juicy crisp delight it was. I had 3 helpings at dinner and it was equally delicious cold with coffee the next morning; for once I didn't feel left out as everyone else chowed down on their croissants. I'm telling you, you just have to make it and try it for yourself - if you don't have damsons then indeed plums/greengages/cherries would work.

Am becoming a rapid convert to using Dove Farm gluten-free flour for pastry - it really does work out well, especially if you chuck an egg in to hold it all together better. If you aren't coeliac - well go and use your daft gluteny flour then if you really must. Tchah.

For the pastry:
200g self-raising Dove Farm gluten-free flour (Grandma Bramham's tip - SR keeps it nice and light)
100g butter, chilled and cubed
1 egg

For the frangipane filling:
100g butter
100g sugar (I guess caster would be best but I used granulated because the Swiss Family Mad have no concept of a well-stocked cupboard with a variety of sugars. We didn't even have TONIC water tonight. I ask you. I had to have my gin neat.)
100g ground almonds
1 tsp almond extract (optional)

2 or 3 good handfuls of damsons - no idea what weight I used but you need to halve and stone enough to cover the surface of the dish.

a sprinkling of sugar

Start by making the pastry: rub the butter into the flour until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Crack the egg in and mix together until it forms a ball you can clump up and put into clingfilm. Pop it into the fridge for about half an hour to rest a bit and absorb the water - so you have a better chance of rolling it out without it cracking all over the place. (Gluteny folks: your pastry probably behaves itself a bit better because of the nice stretchy gluten protein providing structure. Appreciate it!)

While the pastry's chillin', get on with the frangipane mixture. Beat the butter and sugar together until creamy, then crack in the egg and beat some more before you stir in the almonds. Add the drop of almond extract for extra almondy depth and flavour - mmmm.

Roll out the chilled pastry and line a tart dish (about 20cm across). Abandon all hope of doing this in one piece like Snow White does - just patchwork it together. Prick the bottom of the pastry case with a fork, line with baking parchment and fill with ceramic beans/dried chickpeas/similar. Bake blind for 15 mins at 200ºC or until it's a nice golden-brown colour.

Remove from the oven and spoon in the frangipane mixture (try not to eat too much of it while it's sitting around - that stuff is GOOD). Don't worry if it doesn't look like much - it will rise to cushion the fruit. Stud attractively with the stoned damson halves, packed as tightly as possible. Sprinkle with a bit more sugar and pop back in the oven at about 180ºC for 35 - 40 mins, or until the frangipane is golden-brown and crispy, and the damsons are bubbling a bit.

(Looking at the photo again I have a feeling I may have taken mine out a little early... I couldn't wait to eat it. BAD ROZ!)

Serve with lightly whipped cream into which you have stirred a teaspoon of vanilla extract -----> nirvana.

And now there is no tart left. It has all been eaten. I feel bereft... oh well, probably best for the old waistline to be honest. Besides, Mother and I got through a good quarter of it each. I'm off to read Lord of the Rings in bed and digest.

Let me know when you get bored of the minutiae of my daily life... though I hope to have some big cancer updates for you soon: the follow-up and scans are going to be mid-September. This waiting around is frankly rather unsettling after the hurlyburly of treatment - surely this is negligence!? Or reassuring? I cannot make my mind up... though at present I have plumped for the latter.

Now go forth and bake!

we're all back from a summer holiday and wishing we weren't ...

... and blackberry-picking to cheer ourselves up.


Have returned from 2 glorious and long-awaited weeks in Devon, cursing Langage Farm clotted cream for my expanded waistline. And as I write the rain is lashing the house in wind-shaken sheets that make me long for Tuckenhay sun ... (not that that was very reliable either but at least it always brightened up in time for an evening cider). I have decided the only way to live a SAD-free life and stop the weather tossing my mood around like a cat with a mouse is to MOVE TO ITALY. When it rains there at least I will be able to stay in the house and eat gluten-free pizza - which of course will ONLY go to my bust instead of my bottom. That's Italy for you.

As planned, I got the train down to Exeter after radiotherapy finished, taking with me a raging sore throat and an exciting new bald patch. The throat calmed down eventually after about a week to my joy - scones and clotted cream time!! However, a surprising twist: since I decided to rashly ignore my radiologist's advice and swim in the 3 pools available in Devon, I ended up with a truly spectacular outbreak of irritant contact dermatitis (eczema) from chlorine. But not on my irradiated neck- oh no, it was on MY FACE. Readers, I was hideously deformed for at least 4 WHOLE DAYS. I was scaly, erythematous, swollen, tiny-eyed and itchy as hell. It was not good. (I took many obsessive dermatological photos but I wouldn't want to give you nightmares, so I won't put them up. Seriously: I looked like an orc/Harry Potter after a Stinging Hex.)

This led to a parental banning from the pools and thus left me with no way to work off the clotted cream except by walking in FitFlops (or ConFlops, as Michael calls them) and going to the antiquated gym. So I passed the time avoiding mirrors like the plague, reading, making ratatouille and hanging with Georgina who came to visit.

Then I invited myself to the Devonshire Chez Weatherdon to escape from a fate worse than death - camping. Yes, the Swiss Family Mad headed off into the wilds of Dorset with a tent. I don't camp, so I fled to a better life; one full of paella, sea swimming, amazing pubs, blackberry-picking, freckly sisters and flapjacks. Unfortunately my camera battery ran out before I could build up an adequate photographic record so these will have to do...

Alas, it was all too short and so Monday evening found me back in Robin Hood country again... where I have been baking blackberry muffins with BJ gals and trying my darnedest not to feel tired from radiotherapy. I have been on TWO runs of 4 and 3 miles. So there.

We have also been celebrating Michael's freakishly good GCSE results (Pizza Express tonight! Am taking pre-prepared home-made gluten-free base and am very excited at prospect of first English restaurant pizza in 4 years.)

Throat has been OK - just a slight soreness when I forget myself and take big mouthfuls. Good way to be more ladylike... dainty nibbles, Rosalind! Voice still a bit husky with annoying tendency to shoot up and squeak like teenage choirboy. Neck is slightly red and itches from time to time. Oh and the face reaction settled down eventually after lashings of E45 cream and aloe vera. I have absolutely no idea why it exploded like that - perhaps the whole of my skin was up in arms about the radiotherapy damage and decided to teach me a lesson for messing with chlorine.

Here's a bit of a lymphoma shout-out - the Beacons of Hope Awards are taking nominations until Monday, so if there's someone you think should get an award, go tell the Lymphoma Association here! I nearly got Isobel to email them and nominate me but felt that would be a little dishonest and I should wait for true appreciation, if I do deserve any!
UPDATE about 2 secs later: blumming hell! have just got an email from them and I AM NOMINATED!!!! no idea by whom but thank you thank you thank you :)

I hope you all have a great Bank Holiday weekend, weather permitting... Will be returning to third year on 7th September (a week late so I have more time to recover my strength and grow some more hair) despite failing to muster up any enthusiasm for the prospect. Oh well... maybe it will come eventually once I get back into the swing of all things medical. Off out now - pizza here I come! Until next time my dears.

a bitch of an itch

Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the promised skin reaction has arrived!!! It started a couple of days ago when I idly wondered why my neck was itching and put it down to a stealthy yet frenzied mosquito attack while I was asleep. Then I went to put my perfume on (Paul Smith Rose, if you were wondering) and dab it behind my ears and had a massive "D'OHHH!" moment - it was obviously a skin reaction to perfume. The radiology team did tell me not to use any perfume but I thought that the skin around my ears would be safe. Evidently not. Now the skin on the entire circumference of my neck is itchy, blistering, reddened and thoroughly hacked off.

Well that's what it feels like. When I try to get a photo of this it looks disappointingly ordinary, if a little pink.Check out those bright red earlobes though! Good job I didn't get my ears pierced after all.... oh well maybe I can do it later when the whole cancer malarkey is over, and MAYBE Father will buy me some nice pearl earrings! Isn't he a nice daddy........ (haha get out of that one Daddy-o).

And you know what else? My hair is falling out too. Now don't worry - just a little bald patch at the back where it's been caught by the radiation on its way out. Taking a photo of this was pretty damn difficult but I managed in the end. I'm just a little annoyed at this as I am fiercely overprotective of the hair that's coming back. I have a cowlick at the front. yes I have enough hair to have a COWLICK. This is SO EXCITING!


As for the Jaws & mincing machine lovechild - I have worked out how to shut him up for a couple of hours. 2 soluble paracetamol + 2 ibuprofen + oxetacaine = silent throat and opportunity to eat without too much pain. Hurrah!! Am now off out to have dinner with the grandparentals as is my lovely Grandad's birthday. Ciao ciao :D