Miscarriage survival tips

I've really ummed and ahhed about writing this, for several reasons, but you know the drill by now - I deal with major life events by writing about them. I'm not writing this for sympathy or attention; one thing I have realised is that miscarriage is very common, but people don't talk about it. And I think they probably should, if they feel able to. I was talking to my very wise sister-in-law about this and she pointed out that if I've written about cancer and cochlear implants and that didn't seem odd at all, why should miscarriage be any different? We decided that we women are being oppressed by the shame of talking about our reproductive tracts. So here goes with my attempt at breaking the taboo...

You will remember that the cochlear implant process was triggered by my irrational panic that I would not be able to understand my offspring, if and when I had them. Completely idiotic; I am reliably informed that children are perfectly trainable and can be made to speak with perfect elocution if necessary. Anyway, we still went off for assessments and now over a year later I sit here with an implanted left ear, hearing myself bashing away at the keys, my breathing, David's breathing, Rhubarb's seriously weird little yawns, the fire crackling, etc etc.

No babies wailing yet though, as unfortunately my uterus doesn't seem to be good at hanging on to pregnancies. I had a positive pregnancy test after a few months of trying, back in November. Hurrah, jubilation etc etc, downloaded baby tracking apps so I could know what size fruit my baby was each week, started planning nurseries and maternity leave. Then I started spotting on Christmas Day, and after the worst night shift of my life (on the labour ward of all places) had a scan at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. I still remember how kind the nurse was: she said, "the pregnancy is measuring between 5 and 6 weeks and I'm sorry but I can't see a heartbeat."

I opted for expectant management  - which is basically just waiting. Went home, family and David fed me wine, brought hot water bottles, and were generally excellent. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but I did very actively manage my pain with all the painkillers I could get my hands on. Eventually passed everything after about a week, and cracked back on with work and trying again and in general trying to get back to being positive and chirpy. Second pregnancy happened surprisingly quickly - joyfully told David all about evidence showing that pregnancies conceived within 6 months of a miscarriage had better outcomes etc etc. Despite this, I actually refused to get properly excited until I got to 9 weeks ish, started to let my guard down and talk about maternity leave plans, then started spotting again. Tried all the usual things to convince self it was normal pregnancy bleeding, but alas scan at EPAC (on exactly same 10 week milestone) was again bad news, though this time it had at least got to 8 weeks before giving up the ghost. Surprisingly calm this time but this may be because I was expecting it pretty much from conception, and also I had actually slept instead of being on night shift all night helping deliver other people's babies.

Have opted for expectant management again and am in a horrible limbo where nothing is happening and am walking around with an 8 week fetus that stopped developing 2 weeks ago. I try not to think about that part too often, but I can completely understand how some women opt straight for surgical management so they can move on pronto. We're planning to wait a little longer and then try medical management to hurry it up if nothing happens. Anyway in between trying to revise for my exam on Saturday (ironically am sitting the DRCOG, or Diploma in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, which I'm sure will have lots of questions on miscarriage) I have decided to write some of my thoughts down in the hope that this will help someone else who needs it.

Tips for surviving miscarriage:
1. Painkillers. Get lots: ibuprofen, paracetamol and codeine if you can. Take them regularly and don't wait for the cramps to get bad again before you take the next lot.
2. Extra absorbent sanitary towels (no tampons due to risk of infection)
3. Hot water bottles - multiple
4. Hot baths
5. Gin
6. Chocolate
7. Family, friends, husbands - are all brilliant at filling your hot water bottles when you can't stand up, and bringing you wine and cuddles. Use them :)
8. Films
9. Be really kind to yourself. None of this "I did something wrong" rubbish. You didn't. Nearly all early miscarriages are caused by a chromosomal abnormality incompatible with life. I personally find it comforting to think this is my body's way of saying, "Noooope you don't want that one, it was just a practice. We'll start over."
10. In the same vein: go for a haircut, have a massage, go for a nice lunch, buy yourself a ridiculously posh bottle of gin, buy some pretty flowers, paint your nails etc etc. Just be nice to yourself. I have recently bought myself a ridiculous copper milk pan from John Lewis. (Cookware makes me tick.)
11. Gin
12. Talk if you want to talk - don't if you don't; the way you react is the right way for you.
13. Remember your other half has lost a baby too, check he or she is OK, often. David and I did a lot of this
14. Trying again - normally medics will say wait a cycle before trying again. There is no medical reason to do so, except for easy dating and also emotional healing. If you really want to crack on, crack on once the bleeding has stopped.
15. Facebook - just unfollow all the people posting bump pics and scan pics - they are really happy and excited, but this doesn't mean you can always feel happy for them. Also remember that due to the taboo around fertility and miscarriage, a lot of people will have had difficulties getting said babies that you don't necessarily know about. Just breathe, click unfollow, and tell yourself one day it will be you.
16. Work - take as much time off as you need. I've been lucky to work in some wonderful and supportive teams. There is no point dragging yourself to work during one of the worst times of your life; you are more likely to end up sobbing in the loos and being no use to anyone. Doctors in particular seem to try and struggle through this sort of thing like it's a badge of honour or a sign of strength. Just don't. The team can manage without you, stay home and rest. If you really want to go to work because you love work (weirdo), or because staying at home is driving you crackers, then make sure someone knows who can support you if you do start to crack.
17. Find a furry animal, preferably a corgi, and cuddle it a lot, whether it wants cuddles or not:

18. Gin.

This advice below from the Miscarriage Association is good.

A word of etiquette advice: just don't ask people if they're trying again, or indeed when they're trying for babies, or anything. If they want to tell you, they will. Seriously, it's none of your business otherwise. I've found that as soon as you get married, you're fair game for people to ask you extremely personal and nosy questions. No. Just no. (Also, if you think posting a pregnancy April Fool's joke is funny, then I'm sorry, but it really isn't.)

Oooh I feel better already. I really hope that this helps somebody else who might be going through the same utterly crap experience. Another friend I've spoken to said to remember that there's always hope; I found this immensely comforting, clinging on to my hope, and hope you do too.