thank god i got cancer in the summer

because being bald in the winter would be COLD I tell you! Not that I am bald yet, but I'm getting pretty close - mother shaved my head with a number 5 on Thursday. It does look better for being shorter though I am rather anxious about butch lesbian comments. Not that I have anything against butch lesbians, you understand, but it's not a style I myself would choose to follow. (Am normally quite a girly girl with ridiculous percentage of wardrobe consisting of flowery prints.)

Have been very incommunicado since chemo #5, for which I apologise. I wasn't ill afterwards in the traditional vomiting sense, but rather just tired, mood-swingy and grumpy. Oh so grumpy.... I was even snappy to mother and got shaved as punishment. (She said it was just to give my head a "tidy-up" but I think she was punishing me. After all, I did deserve it.) I have also been terrible at replying to texts, but my brain felt so slow that I felt all thumbs and became so frustrated that I switched my phone off til today. I put this down to general tiredness. Same reason I never seem to get round to blogging until a good few days after chemo.

Have been sleeping rather late as well. On Wednesday, the day after chemo, I woke up at 10ish, popped my Ondansetron and metoclopramide and went downstairs for breakfast. Had breakfast and a coffee then went back upstairs intending to brush teeth, but found self crawling back into bed "for a wee lie-down" and then proceeding to sleep for another 2 hours! This is the sort of thing Janet does, not me.... (when she is "sawwwwwwwwwww tired ah can hardly keep my EYES open".) Have been falling asleep over my book at about 11pm and getting up at 11am or thereabouts, though slightly earlier each morning as my energy returns. Think will try a run tomorrow morning.

Appetite not as drastically diminished this time (I managed to make pork meatballs for the family on Wednesday night - and eat a few) though still not normal. Is best in the mornings, so Isobel and I have been eating raspberry pancakes in the garden for breakfast. We are total lushes! Constipation....oh well you know the drill by now - bunged up for a few days and then glorious glorious release today! Ahem, sorry - but if you have never been constipated you cannot hope to know this excitement.

The fantastico weather is another reason I am glad I got cancer in the summer - is just so nice to be able to take advantage of lazing around in the garden on days like this, marvelling at the total BLUENESS of the sky. And eating cherries and frozen Frubes. Isobel and I have spent a lot of mother's money on hammocks and swing chairs (which will no doubt spend the rest of the rainy British summer in the shed, but you can't stop the English when they're excited about sunshine like this). Good weather just makes everything look better.

Annoying news on the PET scan - it has been pushed back to the 29th of June (instead of the 15th) GRRRRRRRRRR. This is because my chemo was delayed - remember way back when I was too neutropenic for chemo#2? So I am scheduled to finish on 8th June instead of the 4th, which apparently will be too soon for a PET scan to be unaffected by chemo still in my system. No idea why but it supposedly gives a less clear picture...? Mother and I fail to understand why this could not have been worked out when we had the original delay, but the NHS works in mysterious ways... Anyway I shall be bopping around Manchester being mildly radioactive on the 29th instead. And HOPEFULLY PLEASE GOD/OMNIPOTENT DEITY/COSMIC STARDUST I will be in remission and then get randomised in the trial to no further treatment and have a summer of being lump-free and doing fun things like sunbathing.

Shocking lack of visual material in this post, but I promise you my new camera (a Canon Ixus 95 IS...with TEN megapixels!!!) has now been dispatched and will be with us shortly. Now I have to go and hurt Isobel for being so so annoying. More later.

i really should do a proper post but am too busy watching 90210 even though it's crap

SO this might be a short one. This weekend I am grateful for:

• amazing weather - serious heatwavey stuff of the kind that has fat English people out burning themselves into lobsters because they cannot believe their good fortune

• walks in the countryside with lovely people - who ironically all managed to burn themselves in manner detailed above (minus the obesity). Embarrassing.
  

• G&T and gluten-free burgers and chips in country pubs
  
• Medsoc
• gluten free sticky toffee pudding at midnight (recipe will probably follow when I get it off George - beware!!! is seriously addictive)
  
• cupcakes
• crap Tom Cruise films like Cocktail - and much better films like Amelie
  
• friends popping in for cups of tea/wine/Pimms
• Pimms and strawberries, dahling
  
• Edinburgh city and hat shops and Chocolate Soup
• cartwheels - evidence of Minti's expertise below:

• Belle and Herbs - and their caramelised onion and goatscheeeeeese omelette - and the Belle and Herbs special smoothie
• the fact that the G injections weren't so bad this time - had them each evening at about 9 and must have slept through any backachey side effects
• swimming pools and flatmates who teach you a version of the front crawl where you don't swallow half the pool
• Minti's pasta puttanesca
• old friends and acquaintances emailing me
  
• cinema trip with Gaita to see creepy-depressing-yet-strangely-beautiful Swedish vampire film
  
• the fact Jenny had a camera so could put pics up to make a respectable length blog entry instead of "Awesome weekend. Tired, going to bed, ciao ciao."

Chemo #5 is tomorrow and my PET scan is scheduled for 15th June ... fingers crossed. My haematologist poked my neck on Friday and say "Hmm that lump just feels like scar tissue - I would be very surprised if you were not in remission by now..." YESSS....

Will let you all know how chemoschmemo #5 gets on - and the severity of my usual complement of side effects. Off to bed soonish.....

new camera is a-comin'....

Another weekend at home - and another visit from some awesome people! Zoe and Georgina zoomed down to visit me on Friday and left on Sunday afternoon, and we fitted some damn fun times in between. Including: fish and chips with the parents and godparents at the dinky country pub near our house, a trip to Nottingham's vintage shops (Zoe was in heaven) and proper hot chocolate at Chocolate Utopia (no they aren't paying me to advertise them, I just REALLY like the place), some curry and great chocolate, the Eurovision song contest, initiating Zoe into the wonders of Devil Wears Prada, etc etc etc. And lots of banter. And tea. Thank you my loves :) There would be photos but alas I am still camera-less. But I am on the case!!

It's a week after chemo #4 and the side effects are just about tapering off - though I am sleeping a lot longer. No more nausea and the appetite is back to normal. My arm is a little sore after this one but not too bad. The hair is STILL holding steady - v. odd. It sounds very weird of me but I actually want it to fall out now. Dammit, I've over-psyched myself up about being bald. In my head I think I will look like this:


The reality will probably be more like a naked blind mole rat:


The constipation lifted last Friday to my disproportionate excitement. I haven't tried running yet, due to pure laziness, but will drag myself out this week. If only the weather was nice... I would have some motivation! But NO it has to be schizophrenically SAD-inducing.

I think that's all the side effects covered for the moment...The new shrew hearing aids are still taking some adjusting to... and it doesn't help that the moulds have suddenly decided to turn against my ears and make them bleed/pus up by rubbing at the wrong place...ew. I really cannot afford to get my ears infected when neutropenic - would probably wind up with septicaemia or something. Tried everything to file down the moulds of evil - nail file, Revlon nail kit, sander etc etc. Nothing worked - Molloplast is irritatingly resilient. Then Mother came up with the idea of using a safety razor and HEY PRESTO I shaved strips off the little bastards! Literally. Mwahahahahaa.

My plan is to keep the days full until the next chemo so I don't get bored - so this morning drove out to somewhere in Leicestershire with the godmother to pick up some wee goslings! (Who will be eaten at Christmas, so don't get attached when I start putting photos up.) We mainly just talked about food and made ourselves hungry. Caroline suggested roasting cherry tomatoes with olive oil and herbs until soft, then eating them with crusty bread - WHERE HAS THIS IDEA BEEN ALL MY LIFE!!? Have a serious tomato craving at present and this seems like the way forward....

Not much looking forward to chemo #5 - the novelty has most definitely worn off now. Oh well, it could be the penultimate one!! Maybe... I am being slightly pessimistic, but I can still feel my neck lump and it still feels biggish. Gaaah. Off to watch a DVD and carry on making the rag rug which is taking shape! Mother's idea... as she hates me being "idle" when watching telly she has decided to harness my latent creativity and get me to make a rag rug like peasants did. Have just learned from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rug_making that in Northumberland rag rugs are/were called "proggy mats", so am off to prod my proggy mat.

another one bites the dust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNQRfBAzSzo

Chemo #4 done whoop whoop! Which means I am definitely halfway and maybe even 2/3 finished! So far I'm having 3 cycles/6 treatment sessions. One cycle = 2 treatments, on day 1 and day 15. (This last one was cycle 2, treatment 2). If the PET scan isn't clear after Cycle 3, I get another cycle (2 more treatments) and then some radiotherapy.

If the PET scan is clear (keep those fingers crossed peeps!) I get randomised to one of two treatment arms of the trial I'm in: no further treatment, or some radiotherapy. I really am not keen on the idea of radiotherapy but I know I need to find out more about it before I decide to leave the trial and flee the country screaming.

The chemo on Monday went OK (more lovely visitors in the form of: Lydia, Shal, Mel, Jane, Jen, Jenny, Minti, Rachel, Christine and Emily) and was quite short this time. Only 6.5 hours! Got home safely by train with mother. Spurned dinner and went straight for the hot bath, as was all hot and shivery - you know like when you get flu? Also was moving like a small hunchbacked old woman - v. slowly and slightly demented. Bath was nice but nearly fell asleep in it and drowned self. Fortunately for this blog I woke up in time and dragged my butt out and into some pyjamas. Then lay on sofa in duvet watching that Channel 4 adoption programme which made me cry. I was feeling really quite feverish but if knew if I took the blanket off I would freeze so I lay there and sweated quietly. Mother sent me to bed by 10pm which meant I woke up stupidly early (6.30) but remedied matters by falling asleep again until 10am.

Next morning I felt much better - think that was the usual acute side effect of bleomycin. As well as that, I'm getting the usual loss of appetite and difficulty distinguishing between hunger and nausea, but Ondansetron is still my best friend...The hair is starting to shed a little faster but we'll see how that goes. My hair loss seems to be quite a gradual process (well apart from the mass exodus of my follicles in Wales). I have been more tired than usual.

It's a bit like being hungover, minus the headache: a slight sickened feeling that no food or Innocent smoothie can put right, and a vague disinterestedness in the world. I feel BLEH. Sorry to fall back on that even though I said I wouldn't in my last post, but it seriously seems to be the only way to describe it. You really wouldn't have thought just feeling bleh would stop you from doing much but boy I am suddenly v. glad I'm taking time out of medicine. By now I would probably have been slapped by several patients for falling asleep while taking their histories, or just staring at them with a dazed expression, or whatever. It would be OK if I was doing a course you could do part-time (e.g. 3 days off, 10 days on) but medicine, particularly 3rd year, isn't like that...*sigh*.

Soooo to summarise I have not been feeling too hot over the last couple of days. I think the side-effects start to compound as chemo goes on - i.e. it takes longer to get over the tiredness, and it is a little more obtrusive. That said, it didn't stop me turning cartwheels on the lawn with Isobel yesterday evening - to the detriment of my back today. And my bottom. Ouch.

Today though I am pretty achey so I might just go and watch Legally Blonde. Sorry if this post sounds a bit grumpy - I will be better tomorrow!

3 cocktails + chemo = possible bad idea

Mmm have arisen deliciously late on this fine Sunday morning - almost feel back in the student loop again! Having a great weekend so far, and is lovely to return to the bosom of the flat and see everyone. I came back up to Newcastle on Thursday night ready for bloods on Friday morning, which were pretty low: monocytes of 0.2 or something. SO I have a fresh supply of tasty G injections....am getting pretty good at injecting myself now! I have 3, so the last one is today at 12.30. I had a bit of backache and femur-ache last night, and got a little tired, but that was pretty much it. Definitely not as bad as I was expecting from the first time.

Side effect profile so far (for other chemo-gobblers and those interested):
1) Hair - still there (in its present incarnation, i.e. pink short fluffy).
2) Tired - nope
3) Constipation etc etc - nope
Basically am back to normal, as usual just before the next chemo. I don't know how most people are affected by ABVD but I honestly am not finding it that bad. OK, I feel slightly crap and almost hungover for the first few days after, but by a week after am practically back to 100%, though maybe with slightly less hair. People keep telling me I look very well and seem faintly surprised that I'm not a bald vomiting sleepy wreck with skin hanging off my bones. I too am surprised - was fully expecting that by now! I think there is a psychological component to a lot of chemo: if you expect to feel dreadful then you will, and if you trust whole-heartedly in Ondansetron you will be FIIIINE. Perhaps a bit simplistic but it seems to work for me!

After Monday I shall have a real go at trying to describe how chemo makes you feel; as Jenny Goellnitz says, "It’s very difficult to describe exactly how you feel on chemo. I’m a lawyer, so I write descriptions and explanations of things for a living, and even I have trouble articulating what chemo was like. It was sort of like a cross between having a stomach flu and just being completely out of it, like you didn’t even really care you were alive."

OK I don't agree with the last part (I certainly care about being alive) but it is darn hard to explain. And "feeling bleh" probably is the best way to describe it so far. Really, all this waffling about it makes it sound worse than it is. The hardest part is getting over how the word "CANCERRRRRRRRR" sounds, and the word "CHEMO" - they strike fear into the hardest heart don't they?!?

Back to this weekend; have had the usual good FOOD including:
ratatouille with Jenny, Janet's chili con carne, butterscotch apple pudding (think I need to work on this one but it tasted OK), a full English breakfast at Jesmond Dene House for Shal's birthday, Dave's yummy Moroccan lasagne and oh dear lord his TONKA BEAN CHOCOLATE POTS. I still have no idea what a Tonka bean looks like but the recipe is below. Seriously easy and seriously good.

350ml double cream
100g good dark chocolate
1 tbsp sugar
5 tonka beans (a vanilla pod would probably work just as well, but you can apparently get tonka beans from www.thespicespecialist.com)
dried orange zest (think this is more potent than fresh but by all means try fresh if you're lazy like me).
a cinnamon stick

1) Heat the cream with the spices and sugar. Bring to the boil and then turn right down to tiny simmer.
2) Break the choc into chunks and put in a heatproof bowl over the cream until melted.
3) Strain the cream through the sieve into the melted chocolate, stirring until smooth.
4) Pour chocolatey cream into 3 or 4 espresso cups/tiny wee bowls/mugs if you are a student....you don't need much because it is RICH. *dribbles*
5) Refrigerate for 2 hours to set
6) Allow to come to room temp before serving for max flavour.
7) Eat and weep.

No pictures! Damn my camera for dying!! Just imagine it instead - then make it :D

I have a confession: despite being supposedly teetotal I had 2 glasses of champagne at Shal's breakfast, and 3 cocktails at Erin's birthday....oops. To be honest there is no reason why I shouldn't, and have had no ill-effects, except I feel very guilty towards my poor liver which is probably working overtime..... Though I suppose by now it will have processed all the last chemo and is actually looking for something to do. Anyway, thus socially lubricated I managed to catch up with lots of people and it was great fun bouncing between Mr Lynch's and As You Like It.

The new hearing aids (Phonak Naida V UltraPower) are taking some getting used to - because I can hear higher frequencies I've never heard before, EVERYONE SOUNDS LIKE A SHREW. And background noise - in places like Lynch's last night - becomes this intrusive wall of sound with high pitches screeching across the top like barbed wire. Grrrr. I was mainly relying on lipreading for the whole night. I shall persevere and post back after a week. I have a review meeting about them in a month, thank goodness.

Next chemo is tomorrow - Novocastrians, if you fancy popping in for some cancer banter give me a text/facebook message. Ciao for now and enjoy this mammoth post!! I should probably get dressed....or lie in bed reading The Story of San Michele by Axel Munthe, which was a gift from Gaita as part of her cunning plan to make me go and live in Italy (little does she know that that was my main goal in life anyway).

(token photo - view from Gaita's bedroom window)

P.S. Oh CRAP I forgot to take the Neupogen out of the fridge...oops....oh will just have to have it a bit later. My fault for getting so engrossed in blogging...

i miss my camera because i wanted to take photos of this weekend and put them up to make you jealous

Sigh. I am anti-climaxing SO HARD right now. Which is right and natural, because I had a lovely Bank Holiday with Janet and Gaita; so lovely I don't even know how to start blogging about it....

They got here on Saturday in Janet's battered old "nail of a car" as my dad rather harshly described it. To be fair it does seem to be held together mainly by mud....After a wee snack we set off on a walk with a load of family friends to Bluebell Wood, which was for once full of bluebells and looked all mystical and fairytale-ish. I updated them on the news of the week (short-legged horses and all) and generally caught up...before heading back for a BBQ in the evening. Lots of sausages....and tasty salads courtesy of Ian and Caroline. I shall be getting the chickpea salad recipe soon.

Jan and I started Sunday off with a run (Gaita lay in bed and got up at 11. ELEVEN!!! hahahahaaa don't be friends with girls who write blogs...) Lovely weather and beautiful scenery but the treacle-legs hit again and I was utterly pathetic. Staggered up some hills and trotted along the flats at the pace of a plague-ridden donkey. Ah well. We were going to try again this morning but it was raining, and we went all Italian and refused to leave the house. Will try some more runs later this week when my legs recover from the treacley heavy cotton-wool feeling. (I know that makes no sense, but I'm the one writing this blog so just shut up and read.)

On Sunday evening I was persuaded by the other two to go on a bike ride which turned out to be fantastic. We rode along by the river to the lock and followed the towpath for a mile or so, with a blue sky and fluffy white clouds the whole way...If I'd had a camera and could take a picture from a moving bike - doubtful - I would have posted one here of Janet riding along ahead of me through a lot of greenery and waist-high cowslip with her copper hair flying. But alas you will just have to picture the scene. It was absolute soul-food and I shall try to hang on to that feeling of utter contentment in the next chemo.

We had a lot of other yummygood food - made Gaita cook us pasta siciliana for Sunday lunch, then a sublime (FREE-RANGE) roast chicken, complete with breast implants, for dinner. That became a Nigel Slater-inspired creamy chicken & mushroom risotto at lunchtime today. Followed by rhubarb crumble.....right I will shut up now. Gaita took the photos so as soon as I can get them off her they will pop up on here for illustration.

Obviously we didn't just eat and try to exercise it off - I cut and curled Gaita's hair, we sat in the garden, went to the pub, chatted, oh and after Sunday dinner we all played a violently competitive and corrupt game of Pictionary, and a v. rowdy hilarious game of Billionaire which made me laugh so much I nearly broke my gastric sphincter.

Anyway my darlings - if you are reading, which I will make sure you do! - what I'm trying to say is it was very good to see you. And thank you to everyone else who is keeping me going through all this - with flowers (especially the freesias, Kathryn!), trashy novels, messages, texts, emails, cards and gifts etc etc. I know I've said all this before but I don't feel I say it enough: THANK YOU :)

Sappiness over you can all go home! Back to Newcastle on Thursday for bloods (and new hearing aids!) on Friday. Chemo #4 on Monday joy of joys. Au revoir for now: I am going to go and sneak up behind Isobel and shout BOO in her ear. Well she's done it to me often enough....

tidbits

This morning I woke up with a mouthful of my own hair. It was no longer attached to my head. I am getting fed up of this. When Janet and Gaita come to visit me this weekend I will probably make them shave me a mohawk. Exciting eh??

I haven't been feeling great the last few days, eating only bits and pieces (and some very lacklustre rosemary and orange muffins. Too much sugar.) but today I am dipping a toe back into the baking waters: making polenta fries to have with asparagus and boiled eggs for tea. And I am making those chocolate chip cookies again because they were that damn good. Ostensibly they are for Janet and Gaita but I may eat them all myself....

Ciao ciao!