A bit of a low point....

I'm getting scared about my first chemo treatment now. It's this Thursday at 8.30am. I know - early! I said, "For god's sake I have cancer - could you NOT make it a little later?!" but that didn't work - they all just laughed at me and my haematologist said, "WELL Rosalind, the sun does rise before 8.30, you know. I bet you haven't got up that early since A-levels..."

Which for the record is so untrue. I just like my sleep...

Have been on a slight emotional rollercoaster in the last couple of days. Initially I was coping by being very hyper and talking really fast, which everyone found a bit scary. Then yesterday I got v. down and grumpy (partly to do with the sun going in before I could make the most of it - how British of me). Everything came to a head when I had a small yet dramatic nervous breakdown last night - brought on by an attack of absent-mindedness with the stove and some Tupperware. Managed to get hot melted Tupperware all over self (well just fingers and toes) THEN started crying hysterically and Georgina had to come round and sort me out. She and the flatmates were all wonderfully sympathetic and told me I was due a breakdown anyway.

Breakdown was cured by a lot of chocolate, washed down with a Kir and then many mojitos and Amaretto Sours at Zoe's birthday party (Zoe if you're reading this: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING and thank you for an awesome time!!) and then out dancing and taking lots of narcissistic photos. And today instead of being hungover as I deserved, I had a lovely trip to Durham to see Kate (HELLO YOU!!) and her boyfriend Jon who cooked us all a mean Sunday roast.

Unfortunately I hit another low point about 2 hours ago and got all scared about chemo again. I reckon the problem here is fear of the unknown - I'm hoping I'll be fine once I have the first treatment and know what I'm dealing with. I'm just worried about all the side effects: how sickI might feel, losing my hair, being grumpy, being really tired, getting pins and needles, screwed-up lungs, screwed-up heart, red pee (ok that one will be a bit of a novelty.) Also I strayed dangerously far down the path of thinking IT'S SO BLOODY UNFAIR I HAVE TO BE DEAF and HAVE COELIAC DISEASE and NOW CHUFFING CANCER TOO I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS ROOOOOAR ARGH!!!! Anyway would probably have cried myself into a coma if not for Lydia who came on MSN and bolstered me up with this great analogy.

Lydia says:
you know that story in the bible about god walking in the sand beside you?
Roz says:
eeee?
Lydia says:
when there are 4 footprints?
Roz says:
the footprints?
oh yes
you can be my god
Lydia says:
yeah well there wont be 2 footsteps there will be a TRAIL COS I WILL BE DRAGGING YOU

On further research it would appear that we are both ignoramuses; the story isn't from the Bible - it's a poem by Mary Stevenson (posted here for other ignoramuses):

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with God
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonged to me and the other belonged to God.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at certain times along the path of life
there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of
my life. This really bothered me and I questioned God about it.

"God, you said that once I decided to follow You, You would walk with me
all the way but I noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints in the sand.
I donÕt understand why in times I needed You most You would leave me."

God replied,"My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you
during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of
footprints in the sand it was then that I was carrying you."

Well I'm not in the least bit religious (the last vestiges of any faith I had were probably stripped away when I was going PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD DON'T LET ME HAVE LYMPHOMA but got it anyway) but even I find this pretty comforting. Anyway who needs God when you have a load of awesome friends and wonderful family?

*waits to be struck by lightning*

Am now under strict instructions to remember Lydia and the feeling of her dragging me next time I feel depressed. Also am off to eat some mushroom risotto made by Janet and Jenny :) Until next time....